The Simpsons Spec Script 1 of 63
by janeeleanorknight
Summary: This is the first of 63 scripts I plan to write as staff writer for the TV series The Simpsons. This is a calling card script as well as a take on Gordon Korman's book, This Can't Be Happening At MacDonald Hall, which I read as a special education student in Indiana during junior high school in the late 1970s. Also featured is Miss Rockhill, the eventual replacement for Ms. K.


THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING IN SPRINGFIELD

Adapted from "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING AT MACDONALD HALL" by GORDON KORMAN

Story and Teleplay by JANE ELEANOR KNIGHT

BLACKBOARD GAG: "The Toilet Is Not Far Away" Will NOT Be The Name Of My Published Memoir

ACT ONE-"It's Always Us!"

At Springfield Elementary, the flag of Liberia, which looks closely like the US flag, is flying in front of the building. Principal Skinner's car pulls up to the driveway. From Mrs. Krabapple's classroom, two sets of peering eyes are focused on the car and the flag.

The two boys, Bart and Milhouse, continue observing as Seymour Skinner gets out of his car and looks at the flag, thinking he must be having a Vietnam flashback. Then Skinner looks at the flag again, hoping the Liberian flag would change back to an American one, which never happens. Skinner constantly rubs his eyes, hoping to see stars, but they are only in his head, not on the flag.

"He sure doesn't look very happy," Milhouse told Bart.

"Skinner is never a happy camper," countered Bart.

"Not unless he's giving out detention," Milhouse agreed.

The two boys strained for a better view. A crowd was beginning to gather around Principal Skinner, who was still staring at the flag as though willing it to be the Stars and Stripes of the United States of America.

Bart jumped up from his spot at the window. "Okay, Milhouse, the coast is clear. Let's join the crowd."

"I'm not going out there," Milhouse said, perspiring. "Skinner knows we did it...and is he ever cheesed!"

"Don't be silly. How on Earth can he know?"

"It's always us!" Milhouse exclaimed.

"C'mon, man," Bart said, jerking Milhouse up and half-dragging him across the courtyard. "We did all the work and they're having all the fun. Maybe it'll become a riot. Whoa, baby!"

The boys emerged into the front yard and melted into the crowd. They could see the entire population of Springfield Elementary watching. There were assorted noises until Principal Skinner began surveying the students with his usual steely eyes. A hush fell. A trash can rattled. Skinner opened the lid and found Bart and Milhouse inside.

"Quit it!" Milhouse exclaimed to Bart.

"Stop pinching me!" Bart countered back.

"Make me, you filcher!" Milhouse said, waving a half-eaten bag of nacho chips he found in the can, then letting off a belch.

"You two, knock it off!" Skinner sternly said to the two as his steely eyes stopped squarely on them.

At that precise moment, Groundskeeper Willie lowers the flag of Liberia and replaces it with the Stars and Stripes as Skinner sends Bart and Milhouse to the Principal's Office.

"'Tis such shame to disgrace America, my adopted homeland," mutters Willie as he raises the American flag.

"Shut yer trap, you predicated Yank," bellowed Willie's cousin Shamus, who levels Willie with a caber pole.

Meanwhile, at the Simpson home, Homer is watching the TV show "America's Stupidest People".

"Ah...there's nothing in the world more invigorating than watching fools dumber than I," Homer sighed as he pressed the remote control to turn up the volume.

On the screen, we see a likeness of the late actor Troy McClure as well as hear the following narration: "Hi...I'm Troy McClure, Jr...you may have heard some of my late dad's movies, such as _Christmas Ape Goes To College _and the sequel, _Christmas Ape Scared Stupid_. Here tonight, the FOX Network is proud to present _AMERICA'S STUPIDEST PEOPLE..._"

The screen then shows a couple at a roadside McDonald's, asking a clueless cashier for directions.

"Our first video came to us via BlueBerry text message along some Midwest Interstate...let's watch the footage..."

"Can I help you?" asked the McDonald's clerk.

"Uh, yes..." answered the male. "We were wondering where the auditions were for _So You Think You Can Dance?"_

"It's in Memphis," answered the clerk.

"We know that," retorted the female member of the couple. "We're in Memphis right now. We need directions to the Orpheum Theatre."

"Uh, people," stammered the clerk, "you still have a long way to go...the auditions are in Memphis, Tennessee...this is Memphis, Indiana."

"You mean, we drove all the way from Kokomo and we're just now finding this out?" asked the male disgustedly. Then his tone turns to subdued resignation. "I guess we could stop here and grab a bite to eat...I'll have two Cheddar Melts, please..." 

"Sorry, sir...those went out with the eighties," replied the clerk. "Now will you hurry up and order something? I have to go to my moonlight job at Tire Barn in New Albany in less than five minutes..."

"Damn their cheesy hides," muttered Homer at the TV.

Marge comes into the living room. "Homer, don't you think you should be emptying the compost jar in the kitchen? The bag hasn't been changed in three weeks!"

"Since when did we keep a compost jar?" Homer asked.

"It used to be the swear jar," Marge explained, "but you kept abusing the system by stealing money from it. Turns out I found another source of filth for this container."

We see a shot of the compost jar on the kitchen counter, consisting of thrown away food, corn cobs, and other rancid material in a plastic bag that surrounds the barrel, of which the lid is opened. Flies are seen hovering around the compost jar.

"You're supposed to empty that jar every other day and take the compost out to the backyard pit," Marge reminded Homer.

Lisa comes into the living room. "Mom's right, you know," she says. "As concern about landfill space increases, recycling via compost is growing throughout the world, and in most Western countries, is now mandated by law. Composting is one of the few ways to revitalize the soil which has eroded due to phosphorus depletion." Maggie follows Lisa into the room, sucking on her pacifier as per usual.

"Go to your room, science girl!" Homer bellowed as he pointed his finger at Lisa, who mutters as she starts to walk toward her bedroom.

Just then, Bart enters the Simpson house. He announces to the family, "Just so you know, Milhouse and I are being transferred to Springfield Academy...we begin attending school there tomorrow."

Marge looks at Bart in horror. "Oh dear" was all she could say while Maggie's pacifier falls out of her mouth.

ACT TWO-SEPARATE QUARTERS

At the Headmaster's Office at Springfield Academy, Bart and Milhouse are seated on an uncomfortable wooden bench in front of who turns out to be Murial Chalmers, Gary's sister.

Both gasp with horror.

"You're Superintendent Chalmers' sister, aren't you?" stammered Milhouse.

"That I am," she answered, "...and around here, life will be anything but a picnic for you boys...As Principal Skinner has told me, there is a great deal of mischief in both of you, but I believe that you, Simpson, are setting a bad example for Van Houten here...so I am going to place you in separate quarters..."

The two look at each other with exasperated gulps.

Murial continues toward Bart. "Simpson, you will be paired with Elmer Drysdale in Dormitory 3, Room 206..."

Oh no! Bart thought...Not another Nelson Muntz!

"And you, Van Houten, I will place in Room 107, Dormitory 1 with Melvin Wexford..."

Oh great! Milhouse thought...a financial know-it-all.

"I expect you two not to associate with one another at all during your stay at Springfield Academy...and to report to your assigned quarters by lights out. That will be all," Murial concluded.

Shortly thereafter, Bart and Milhouse meet by an old cannon which is surrounded by some bushes near the center of campus.

"We're meeting here tonight," Bart decreed.

"The Headmistress says we're not allowed," Milhouse reminds him.

"The Headmistress says! The Headmistress says!" Bart mimicked. "Chalmers' sister has said enough for one day! I'll meet you here at midnight."

"What if I fall asleep?" Milhouse asked.

"You'll have a hard time doing that, what with the clinking sound of Melvin Wexford counting his money," Bart retorted. "Be here."

Bart knocked on the door of Room 206, Dormitory 3, which was opened by a skinny kid with a crewcut. He wore a white dress shirt, black tie and flannel slacks along with thick glasses which made him look like an owl.

"I'm Bart Simpson...you must be Elmer Drysdale..." said Bart, strolling in and setting down his suitcase. "Hey, a cockroach," he said, squashing it.

"You killed him!" shrieked Elmer. "And you didn't even use bug spray! He was king of the roaches!"

"You keep roaches?" asked Bart in disgust.

"Yes," answered Elmer. "I'm an bugologist. My world is the insect world."

"I always did figure you as being rather buggy," retorted Bart. "Now where can I pack my belongings?"

Bart starts to open a drawer, much to Elmer's dismay, who lets out a big "NO!"

"What did I do now?" asked Bart sourly.

"You killed my precious plants, which were to have been in continuous darkness for 48 hours!"

"Let me guess..." Bart added, "you're a botanist and your world is the world of plants...no wonder you're so earthy."

"I'm gonna kill you, Bart Simpson!" Elmer yelled, chasing Bart out the room and across the hallway.

Meanwhile, at Dormitory 1, Room 107, Milhouse knocked on the door. It was opened by a handsome fellow who sported a hundred-dollar haircut plus several hundred dollars' worth of suede and cashmere sports clothes.

"Yes? What is it?" the youth queried.

"Ms. Chalmers sent me," Milhouse answered. "I'm your new roomie, Milhouse Van Houten..."

"Milhouse?!" said the boy with disgust as he reluctantly invited Milhouse in. "What kind of name is that? It's so crass! What is your real name?"

"I'll have you know that is my real name!" retorted Milhouse. "I was named for Richard Nixon!"

"That crook!" laughed Melvin Wexford. "He deserves to burn in hell!"

Almost immediately, Melvin and Milhouse engage in a fistfight which enrages the neighbors.

Just then, Melvin snatches Milhouse's inhaler.

"Hey, I need that!" yelled Milhouse as Melvin punches him.

"I don't want your filthy germs permeating the room!" retorted Melvin as he tosses the inhaler toward the toilet in the adjoining bathroom. Above the commode is a Spinal Tap poster plastered on the wall; on another wall is a vintage Gaines Burgers magazine ad that has been framed.

"Will you two keep it down out there?" wailed Perry Albert, one of the neighbors. "I'm trying to study."

"Shut up out there!" yelled another.

Meanwhile, back at the Simpson house, Lisa is doing her algebra homework at the kitchen table while Marge is baking cupcakes.

"As much as I hate to admit it," Lisa said, "I miss having Bart around the house."

"Cheer up, sweetie," Marge assured Lisa. "He'll be home in time for the summer."

"On the other hand..." Lisa began smirking, "Milhouse can't pester me anymore...heh heh heh!"

"That's the spirit!" Marge exclaimed as Homer comes into the kitchen, smelling cupcakes.

"Do I smell chocolate frosted cupcakes?" Homer asked.

"Yes," said Marge to Homer, "and they're not for you...they're for the faculty at Springfield Academy."

"Oh please, can I have one?" begged Homer, waving his arms as Maggie crawls into the kitchen.

"No!" bellowed Marge.

"Please? Oh pretty please with NutraSweet?"

"No!" bellowed Marge again. 

"Will you two cut it out?" Lisa exclaimed. "I'm trying to do my homework."

"Oh please, Marge?!" pleaded Homer. "Just one cupcake?"

"All right, Homer...anything to shut you up...now close your eyes and open wide, and you'll get a big surprise..."

Homer does just that, but instead, Maggie yanks the pacifier out of her mouth and snatches the cupcake instead of Homer, whose jaws clinch with nothingness. He lets out a big "D'Oh!"

Maggie eats the cupcake the same way she ate the cookie in one of the _Simpsons _shorts.

Back at Milhouse's dorm, Milhouse checked his alarm clock and was sneaking out when, suddenly, his roommate, Melvin, groaned in his sleep, "Shut the window...pneumonia..."

Milhouse knew he had to hurry if he was going to meet Bart at the the bushes. So he climbed onto the sill and made the short drop to the ground. Keeping low and in the shadows and wearing only a nightrobe, Milhouse strolled quietly past the dormitory across campus to the south lawn, all the while whispering, "Bart?"

No sign of his friend.

Suddenly, a jackrabbit lunges from the bushes; Bart appears as well.

"Bart Simpson-talking to rabbits?! Have you gone crazy?" Milhouse asked.

Bart holds up a brown bag lunch. "Nah, I just went to the dining hall and stole all this cool stuff..."

Milhouse exclaims in wonder at the bag. "Wow! Several kinds of cold cuts...an entire package of cheese...a loaf of bread...a jar of mustard...four apples...ten bags of Fritos...six oranges...eight Snickers bars...six containers of chocolate milk...and a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper...you sure you didn't rob the Kwik-E-Mart?"

"Affirmative," Bart replied. "With all this food, we could run away from school."

"I wish I could," Milhouse said as he slaps his meat between two slices of bread and adds mustard with a plastic knife. "That Melvin Wexford is a crackpot! His bathroom is a pharmacy stocked with medicines; and his side of the room is littered with stock exchange charts."

"As for me, I am doomed never to have another bath as long as Elmer Drysdale is around," countered Bart. "Our bathtub is filled with caviar. He is an ichthyologist whose world is the undersea world..."

"Drysdale...what an ironic name," Milhouse observed.

"Are you kidding about the stock charts?" Bart wanted to know.

"Scouts' honor," Milhouse declared. "Just as I was leaving the room tonight, Melvin was still unhappy about losing all his shares in some company called Conseco...even though it declared Chapter 11 more than a decade ago..."

"What a loser," Bart laughed. "At least you only have one roommate to put up with...me, I have thousands..."

"What are you talking about, Bart?" 

"Cockroaches. A whole metropolis of them. Elmer is an entomologist. His world is the insect world."

"Elmer keeps cockroaches?!" Milhouse asked in dismay.

Bart nodded. "He not only keeps them, he takes them out for walks. His king went out for one when I scrunched him."

"What are we going to do?" Milhouse wailed. "I can't put up with any more of Melvin swallowing pills, gargling his throat and spraying his nose-it's so disgusting. I'm also tired of his ridiculing my name!"

"Elmer's a better guy than Nelson," Bart mumbled with his mouth full, "but he sure isn't for me. Come to think of it, he isn't really for anybody-except his animal friends." Bart starts to put the food away. "Listen, Milhouse, it's getting late...I have a plan to outwit those two..."

"What'll we do with the rest of this food?" Milhouse asked.

"Glad you asked," replied Bart as he points to a historic cannon. "One way or another, we're going back to Springfield Elementary..."

Bart says this as he shoves the bag into the barrel of the cannon; then he whispers the plan secretly to Milhouse. Moments later, the two head their separate ways as a portion of the lunch bag, sticking out of the cannon's mouth, flaps in the breeze.

ACT THREE-ASSIGNMENT OBNOXIOUS

At Springfield Elementary, Mrs. Krabapple is decked out not in her familiar attire, but rather, in a black-and-white striped shirt with black bike shorts, pantyhose and black shoes. She also has a whistle draped around her neck.

"Class, today I want to teach you about lacrosse, which, oddly enough, is the national sport of Canada," Edna tells her students.

"That's funny," Nelson remarked. "I always thought it was ice hockey...so why are you wearing that get-up, Mrs. K? Looks more like you're participating in the Tour De France..."

Nelson's classmates laugh as Edna goes over to Nelson's desk and stares down at him.

"Nelson, just because Bart is no longer here doesn't mean you have the right to take over as class clown. Now straighten up and fly right."

"Yes, m'm," was all Nelson could say.

Edna goes back to her teaching position near her desk. "I will be officiating today's lacrosse match between Springfield Academy and Waverly Hills as soon as the school day is over," Edna answered. "Now who can tell me what the rules of lacrosse are? Anyone?"

Martin, as usual, raises his hand.

Edna sighs. "Okay, Martin...have at it..."

Martin gives a long explanation. "Lacrosse is a team sport of Native American origin which uses a rubber ball and a stick...as in American football, players wear shoulder pads, gloves, helmets and even rib guards. The object of the game is to shoot the ball into the opponent's goal while using the lacrosse stick to catch, carry and pass the ball in the process. Stick checking and body position are important elements of defense. The game dates back to the year 1100, though Jesuit priests began modifications in the seventeenth century..."

The class begins falling asleep, as does Edna, who nearly chokes on a cigarette she started smoking.

"That's enough..." Edna growled as she goes to the blackboard, which doubles as an HDTV widescreen holographic television. "Now I will go to the chalkboard, which can also be used as a television screen, and show you a very special presentation..."

Edna presses the remote control panel on her desk to activate the transformation from blackboard to widescreen TV.

"Wow! That is so cool!" Wendell observed.

On the blackboard TV, we see a video presentation commencing with Troy McClure, Jr.'s likeness in the background.

"Hi...I'm Troy McClure, Jr...you may remember some of my late father's pictures, such as _Dinner in Pyongyang _and _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_. Today, we'd like to show you a collection of some of the most memorable bloopers in the sport of lacrosse, that wacky game involving a rubber ball and a stick. Enjoy the show, everyone..."

A montage of shots, accompanied by goofy music and the opening graphic "GREATEST LACROSSE BLOOPERS", includes a lacrosse player running to the sidelines, only to accidentally run out of bounds; players accidentally hitting each other with lacrosse sticks; someone having swallowed a rubber ball; a lacrosse stick tearing down one of the goals; a muddy field causing one of the players' legs to slip; a player whose rubber ball slips out of his lacrosse stick and accidentally hits the scoreboard; and a flying rubber ball that causes a referee's whistle to go into his mouth.

Instantly, the television channel changes to "THE ADVENTURES OF PIPI BEAR", in which Pipi, an obvious parody of Yogi, is seen having to go into the bushes to pee every time he snatches a picnic basket, only to end up in trouble with Ranger Wesson. We hear goofy cartoon music throughout the introduction to "PIPI"; then we see the title card to today's episode-"PIPI SEES THE UROLOGIST".

"I'm not certain that cartoon is appropriate, Mrs. Krabapple," Martin was quick to point out.

Edna is fiddling with the remote control. "I can't figure out how I got this crappy channel in the first place..." We hear static buzzing on the widescreen TV.

Later in the afternoon, back at Springfield Academy, Bart and Milhouse are seen lugging a large laundry sack across the hallway of Dormitory 3.

"Do you think this was a smart idea, going to Waverly Hills Elementary to steal their mascot-as well as letting Elmer and Melvin take the blame?" Milhouse asked Bart with suspicion.

"Trust me, Milhouse, I know what I'm doing...now let's put Operation Wildcat into action...all right, let 'er loose," Bart told Milhouse.

"But she'll rip up the entire building," Milhouse said in trepidation.

"No she won't," Bart assured him. "I'll give her a saucer of milk."

"A gallon would be more like it! All right, here goes nothing..." The cat erupted from the bag, scratching Milhouse in the face. The thirty-pound cat was dressed in Waverly Hills' team colors of purple and gold.

"Youch! Stupid cat!" Milhouse growled as he backed away.

The animal stretched, then leapt onto the floor, where it began to lie down while making strange groaning sounds.

"Do you think we hurt her?" Milhouse asked as he rubbed his wounded face.

"Nah, she's probably just overfed. I'm sure they stuff her before games just so she can look like an oversized Garfield..."

"She'd better be okay," said Milhouse doubtfully.

"She's fine. We'd better get going. We're late."

As Bart and Milhouse entered the gymnasium's dressing room, Bart and Milhouse gave their teammates the high five sign-only to find Coach Flint ready to confront them.

"You two are late!" Coach Flint roared. "What's that scratch on your face, Van Houten?"

"I cut myself peeling potatoes in the cafeteria this morning," Milhouse lied. He leaned over to tighten his athletic gear.

Before Coach Flint could respond, the dressing room was filled with laughter. Then the team was called out onto the lacrosse field.

From the corner of his mouth, Milhouse hissed, "That scratch on my face is a sign that says I took the cat..."

"Relax," Bart assured Milhouse, "I won't let you take all the blame."

"Thanks, Bart," said Milhouse, with a hint of sarcasm. "That's very comforting."

Suddenly, Murial Chalmers's voice is heard over the PA system at the lacrosse field. _"Your attention please. We regret to announce the disappearance of the Waverly Hills mascot. She is a large orange tabby wearing a purple and gold ribbon and wearing the tag bearing the name Nermal. We would remind the gentlemen of Springfield Academy to please return Nermal promptly to the Wildcats' bench, since the Waverly Hills team are our guests..." _

"We're in for it now," groaned Milhouse, his heart sinking below his stomach.

The PA loudspeaker broke in again: _Would everyone please rise for our national anthem? _

Instead of _The Star Spangled Banner_, we hear a rendition of _The Strip_, at which point Edna Krabapple struts out onto the field, still decked out in her referee uniform, kicking her legs in the air. The girls in the seats go wild, bumping and grinding all over the place.

Milhouse looked sneeringly toward his pal. "Bart, where did you get that record?"

"I got it at Comic Book Guy's store for a mere two bucks. I switched it with the national anthem at the last second!" Bart shows the audience the U.S. flag-decorated record cover with _Star-Spangled Banner _written on it.


End file.
